ensure the man would not lie to me.

the LTTE took me forcibly for training.

When I inquired as to who this lady was, and why all the preference for her over the others, they told me that she was the mother of a Black Tiger who had died in a mission. The LTTE had a concept that if any person from a family joined the organization as a suicide cadre, the other members of the family would not be recruited into the organization--and the family would be treated as a 'Maveerar Family' and provided for in regard to all their needs.

During these lectures, we were never allowed to ask questions. And even if one asked a question, it was never answered. These lectures continued for two months every day.

They hung a piece of wood resembling a cyanide capsule around my neck and made me bite it from time to time.

Keep your cyanide concealed. If apprehended, you have to try and convince the security-forces personnel that you are really an innocent Muslim textile trader.

Try to accomplish your mission at whatever cost. If you really believe that you cannot escape, then bite your cyanide capsule.

I got used to my role so much so that even if someone visited me, I used to speak a few words about Islam, as is the usual practice among Muslims.

During our training in the LTTE, we were impressed upon that the Sinhalese were the bitterest rivals of the Tamils.

One day, he told me that the LTTE had recruited both my sisters and brother -- and that they too had been sent to the battlefield.

Interviewer Do you want to carry out a suicide mission again? Rajadurai Well, now I don't want to. Interviewer Why?

Rajadurai Our leadership has been wiped out by the security forces. Interviewer Do you believe that Velupillai Prabhakaran has been killed?

Rajadurai Initially, I never thought he would be killed by the security forces. That is because there was a firm belief among the LTTE membership that Prabhakaran would not be killed by the army. He would bite his cyanide capsule and commit suicide rather than be captured or be killed. When I later heard that the army had killed Prabhakaran -- and that , I was surprised. leader who had introduced the philosophy of biting a cyanide capsule so as to not be captured alive or killed . He had not practised the philosophy he so fervently preached.



Interviewer Why are you shedding tears? For Velupillai Prabhakaran? Rajadurai No not for any . I remember my two sisters and my brother. Can you please find out if they are still alive? Can you please do that for me? - Ruwan Weerakoon is a Sri Lankan journalist. A longer version of this article originally appeared in the Sri Lankan publication The Bottom Line.

As we talked, I felt comfortable in the knowledge that the man would not blow himself up: The location was a high-security law-enforcement facility, staffed by Sri Lankan officers seeking to track down the remnants of the LTTE's 'Black Tiger' terrorist unit.

From the day I began to see this world with some sort of understanding, I never knew who the Sinhalese were, or what the Sri Lanka Army was. I only saw the LTTE cadres carrying their weapons like real heroes. My mother always persuaded me to concentrate on my studies.

But I decided to become a 'Black Tiger'

From the day I began to see this world with some sort of understanding, I never knew who the (Sri Lankan) Sinhalese (majority) were, or what the Sri Lanka Army was. I only saw the LTTE cadres carrying their weapons like real heroes.

This fact prompted me to decide (that this was) the best way to protect my family -- to protect my sisters and brother from being recruited, and at the same time drawing respect from others toward my family.

I was always blindfolded. Even during the lectures, I was kept blindfolded. But I realized from the sounds around me that there were many others being trained.

Every day, the lecturers stressed one main point: There will be no Eelam (Tamil homeland) without bloodshed. During these lectures, we were never allowed to ask questions. And even if one asked a question, it was never answered. These lectures continued for two months every day.

One night, when I was fast asleep, my caretaker woke me up and switched on the TV. I saw people screaming, some lying in pools of blood, others dead or dismembered. For about another two weeks, this video was repeatedly shown. This was followed by (footage of) the LTTE (fighting) against Sri Lankan security forces, showing their attacks on army positions and camps.

At the end of this training, Black Tiger leader Pottu Amman visited us and gave a long lecture. He said to us: 'You are (an) asset of the LTTE. You are not supposed to bite on your cyanide capsule as soon as you think you are to be caught. Keep your cyanide concealed... Try to accomplish your mission at whatever cost... You have to be alive as long as you can and continue to accomplish your task.'

I had to appear as a Muslim person. During this period, I had to grow my beard and maintain it to resemble that of a Muslim. I was given instructions in the practices of a Muslim and when a LTTE medical team arrived, I was circumcised as well, making my appearance as a Muslim complete. They tried to teach me some basic Sinhalese language.

During our training in the LTTE, we were impressed upon that the Sinhalese were the bitterest rivals of the Tamils.