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Tiger Chief?s not-for-dissemination Heroes Day speech ? A sneak peek

By Sesha Samarajiwa

My beloved Tamil people,
My erstwhile former speech writer Bala Anna drank himself to death, and the damn Sri Lanka Air Force silenced his replacement, my late Dove of Peace and close cohort in planning and implementing bloody mayhem. So I thought I'll write my own speech this time.
I'm sorry I had to make you crawl into this bunker today. The SLAF is too good now and they are relentless. It's hard to believe that these are the same folks who were at our beck and call when my man Ranil and Chandrika were running the show. Then I had to just click my fingers and they would transport our people wherever we wanted. Unfortunately the pesky Rajapakse brothers are running the show now, and I badly underestimated them. Else, I would never have pulled the rug from under Ranil's feet.
But the fact is no place above ground is safe now. Just yesterday, they destroyed our communication center. That was a big blow, because we need that to spread our propaganda.
Now let me copy-paste the standard litany from my previous speeches. The Sinhala are devils who have been victimizing us for a long time. The Sinhala are liars and cheaters. They are despicable chauvinists. So, we are compelled to fight a war to liberate ourselves from Sinhala tyranny. They will always find some excuse or another not to give us one-third of the island for our cherished state, even after we ethnic-cleansed our area of Sinhalese and Muslims to set the stage for our glorious mono-ethnic country. The Sinhala Nation and the Tamil nation are at war, a war I need to consolidate my status as the supreme Surya Thevan ruling over my beloved Tamil people.
So we must use all our cunning to hoodwink the international community. We must be seen to be peace-loving while engaging in relentless terrorism. But to tell the truth, I'm feeling a bit cornered now. Also my bi-polar syndrome is making my moods swing unpredictably. Worse, it's intensifying my paranoia. As if that weren't bad enough, my hypertension and diabetes are taking their toll. But don't worry we'll keep on fighting.
I'm also depressed that the game seems to be finally up for us in America. They have frozen millions of dollars of funds we collected by extracting kappang from the Tamil diaspora, drug running, credit card scams and various other nefarious revenue-generating schemes we mastered over the past three decades. Our smart lady's man, KP, had a narrow shave in Thailand. Fortunately some idiots in Sri Lanka defence jumped the gun and the Thais are bribe-prone and we have a big budget for bribery ? and KP is at large again, doing what he does best ? getting weapons.

Unfortunately, we lost the East, and that's a big blow. The Sri Lanka Armed Forces redrew my big Eelam map clamping the rump state of Sri Lanka like a vice. We really needed Trinco, the greatest natural harbor in the world to be the crowning glory of Eelam.
Meantime, the Sri Lanka navy has blasted our fleet of arms-smuggling ships. It won't be easy to rebuild our fleet, but where there's a will there's a way, I say.
But not to worry, my beloveds: your clever leader still have some tricks up his sleeve.
We are exploring new ventures to fill our coffers, for example, by sub-contracting our expertise to people such as the Nepal Maoists and sundry Naxalites in India. Our legal people are also working on getting royalties for our innovations, such as suicide belts, which are very popular among the Jihadis. Of course, they are rolling in Arab money. The Jihadi boys are also lining up for suicide bombing against infidels, compelled by the promised delights in their paradise. So I'm sure it should be a lucrative on-going stream of revenue. I?m betting 'Tiger' brand suicide vests and belts will be all the rage among Jihadis from Mindanao to India to Arabia to Europe and America.
I sure hope they give some grief to the Americans who have come down hard on us. We can't do it we have to be nice to them. A lot of our people are there deceiving their way into the power structures. As we know from long experience, it's best to be servile to the mighty whites everywhere ? America, Canada, UK, Europe and Australia. Let the Jihadis give them hell, while we focus on the hated Sinhalese.
I was hoping that the budget vote would finish the Rajapakse regime. That born fool Ranil and his pathetic UNP failed yet again. But I'm quite thrilled about the support that came from unexpected quarters ? the dangerous Red Brigades who cast their vote against the frightening war budget. But still this accursed Sinhala government holds and it's a menace. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the deadly Rajapakse regime would collapse at the next budget vote on December 14.
I also regret very much that our suicide bombers failed in their mission to finish off Gotabhaya and Fonseka. These two have turned the Sri Lanka military into a tenacious and deadly force. Even their deserters are rejoining. But let's see. Maybe we'll have better luck next time.

CUE: Applause and shouts: ?Adi da, marapudi.?

But we have had some big victories. Thanks to my son Charles Anthony, our air force inflicted some damage on the enemy and gained us some glory. It was especially sweet to get the Sri Lankans all panicked when they were glued to their TVs watching their cricket hero Jayasuriya just starting his own fireworks against the Australians in the West Indies. Charles is a smart lad. I am tired and aging now and I have decided to groom him for the throne. I'm sure you would all be delighted.

Meanwhile, 21 of my brainwashed young suicide cadres ? our glorious commandos ?dealt the Sri Lanka air force a big blow. They managed to destroy 24 of their airplanes. Five even managed to get back to receive their medals!

India is also giving us trouble by making it difficult for us to carry on our smuggling operations from Tamil Nadu. But we have folks there in our pay like Nedumaran and Karunanidhi, who are doing the needful. Even if not all our 65 million cousins in Tamil Nadu give a hoot about our cause, a considerable number do. The trick is to keep them that way, by blitzing them with propaganda demonizing the Sinhalese.
I must give a special thanks to our propagandists around the world, who are doing a good job under difficult circumstances. They are feeding the gullible Westerners expertly constructed canards to win their hearts and minds. Of course, out task is easier because everybody roots for the perceived underdog. So we must strengthen the facade that we are the innocent David fighting against a brutal Goliath, and hope they won't get wise to the regional reality where 70 million Tamils are the massive majority and the 15 million Sinhalese the real minority in this neck of the woods.
But I'm disappointed by our long-time friends, the Norwegians. They failed in their assignment to stop the European Union from banning us. Of late, they have not been as effective as they have been on our behalf in the past. I hope they would roll up their sleeves and redouble their efforts to do what they are obliged to do for us.

That traitor Anandasangaree is a pain in my ear. His constant harping and letters and anti-Tiger statements are intolerable. He makes me see red! I want to get rid of him the same way I wiped out the arrogant TULF Vellala leadership. (At least, we have destroyed forever the power of the accursed Vellaha tyrants under whom we suffered for centuries. )
But at this time it would be politically incorrect to kill the old goat. Our killing of people like Kadirgarmar, Logeswaran, Tiruchelvam, etc is still too fresh in people's minds, especially in important Western minds. And India, of course, will not forget how we killed Rajiv Gandhi. Definitely not Sonia. And, at this juncture, I really can't afford to alienate the West any more. Hope the old goat would give up the ghost. It would be good riddance of the pest who keeps exposing me for what I am.
We must also keep mercenary peace entrepreneurs in the South and around the world happy. They are doing yeomen service for our cause. I?m increasing our budget to keep them happy.
Make no mistake, though I am still the boss of the Vanni fiefdom. Let me now renew my pledge to carve out Eelam. Please feel free to kill me if I fail in my task. In fact, that would be better than dying of diabetes or a heart attack. Then I will be as immortal as king Ellalan.
Your leader commands you to be resolute in the face of the horrendous suffering I have imposed on you. It's all for a good cause ? to maintain my power and gory glory and help me achieve my dream.
Now, my beloved people, crawl out carefully and get back to work.

CUE: Cheers, nagasalang band, shouting: ?Surya Thevan, our hero, our savior, our emperor, Long live, Long live. Kill the Sinhalese. Thamil Eelam, Thamil Eelam!?

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minority Tamil minister in the Sri Lankan capital

And now they use poor woman afflicted with Polio??