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Thomians dilute Royal glory
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LuLa
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 14 May 2006 05:54:32 GMT Report for Abuse
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No Speakah De English
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
'You foul-mouthed intimacy obsessed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly.
'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our intimacy lives'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta intimacy?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi'.'
I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN |
Bonggo
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14 May 2006 06:48:57 GMT Report for Abuse
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LULA: there is a variegated version of it, the italian way which goes like this -
Emma comma first then I comma
Then two asses they comma and I comma again
The two asses comma again and I comma and pee pee
Finally I comma for the last time
There is also a sardarji version on Assassination, for the benefit of Hindi readers -
Santa Singh ji the English lecturer Sardar Santa Singh ji is the English teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the English class. This is what transpires:
Santa Singh: ' Bolo bachon GADHA '
Students (in chorous): 'GADHA '
Santa Singh: ' Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA '
Students (in chorous): 'GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA '
Santa Singh: ' Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI'
Students (in chorous): 'GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI'
Santa Singh: ' Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH ' Students (in chorous): 'GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH'
By this time the inspector is furious. He confronts the principal and shouts at him 'What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH .The principle too is shocked, Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Santa Singh.
Principal: ' Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH'. Santa Singh: ' Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION (ASS ASS I NATION). |
LuLa
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14 May 2006 07:03:59 GMT Report for Abuse
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Machan Bonggo,
Since you came up with a sardarji joke, I have a collection of Si(c)kh jokes, here we go:
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
A lady came and asked him, ' Are you relaxing?'
Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, 'No! No! Me Banta Singh!'
A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked,
'Are you Relaxing?'
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said,
'Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!'
----------------------------------------------------
A Singh died and went to heaven.
When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Singh thought for a few! minutes and answered...
1.. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' they are Today and Tomorrow.
2.. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...'
Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.
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Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: 'What are you searching for?'
Santa: 'Hidden cameras!'
Jasmeet: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?'
Santa: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching the Star World channel'. How does he know that?'
---------------------------------------------
Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island.
One was Hindu, one a Muslim, and the other a Singh. The only way back home was to
swim 100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited.
The Muslim was so determined to get home that he tried to swim. He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned.
Then the Hindu tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and he too drowned.
The Singh thought he could make it all the way, so he started swimming.
He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all the way back to the island.
-----------------------------------------------
Two Singhs (pilots) try to land an airplane in the United States.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screamed
'The runway is ending!'.
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the pilot screams again
'Get the plane up, the runaway is ending!'
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again.
This goes on again and again.
During their fourth descent the pilot says:
'Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge, expensive airport but with such a short runaway',
'I know' answers the second pilot,
'But look how wide they made it.'
---------------------------------------------------
Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A surprised passerby saw him and asked, 'Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?'
The Singh replied 'I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too.'
-------------------------------------------------
Once a Singh was traveling in a train.
He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train Rs 20 to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for Rs 20, the Sardarji deserved more service.
So, when the Singh fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Singh was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw himself in the mirror.
Said his wife '
What's the matter?'
He replied 'The cheat on the train has taken my Rs 20 and woken up someone else'.
----------------------------------------------------
Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks.
Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went into the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. At the next railway station the driver was arrested :
He was found to be a Singh. He was questioned.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after blowing the horn, & flashing the lights etc.
The authorities questioned : Mr. Singh are you mad!
Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger. You should have run that person over.
Singh said : That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train got real close.
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Two Singh went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.
'You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,' complained the pub-owner.
So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches.
-------------------------------------------------
Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied
'Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought and at last I wrote THUNK!'
----------------------------------------------
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The in vigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here,
'Answer the following questions in brief'.
---------------------------------------------
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, 'Why are you crying?'
The first one replied, 'I came here for blood test'
Second one asked, 'So? Are you afraid ?'
First one replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger'.
Hearing this the second one started crying & screaming.
The first one was astonished and asked other, 'Why are you crying?'
The other replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
---------------------------------------------
A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts
washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, 'Mr. Singh, what are you doing?'
To this the man replies,'Oye, see the board here, 'Wash Basin'. |
Kulakottan
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 14 May 2006 07:21:30 GMT Report for Abuse
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Dear Lula,
Where did you met all these Sikhs?
Was it when they came with the IPKF?
Good ones.... |
shanika
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 14 May 2006 08:23:21 GMT Report for Abuse
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Bonggo and Lula,
good ones!!!:-) _
The talk of English and Indians reminded me to share this:
(by the way, no offense intended to the sacredness of the animal!)
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.This is a
true essay written by a Bihari candidate at UPSC ( IAS ) Examinations. The
candidate has written an essay on the Indian Cow.
INDIAN COW
He is the cow.The cow is a successful animal.Also he is 4 footed, and
because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God , sacred to
Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are
forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use.
More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.
What can it do? Various ghee,butter, cream, curd,why and the condensed
milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind
generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also
his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make
flat cakes, in hand and drying sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she
chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is
incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending
organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.This is done by
knowing his head whereby he causes the weapond to be parralleled to the
ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forewards.
He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar
animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to
frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he
gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch.So the grasses head is not
crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he
shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the
cow........... |
mimslanka
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 14 May 2006 08:45:11 GMT Report for Abuse
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On another note....
Once there were three babys still inside the uterus of their mother.
They were all talking and wondering what each other was going to be when they grew up.
The first baby said, 'I want to be a fireman so I can put fires out.'
The next said, 'I want to be a carpenter so I can fix this place up.'
The last one said, 'I want to be a hunter so I can kill that bald headed bastard that keeps popping in and out of here!'. |
Kulakottan
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14 May 2006 09:25:39 GMT Report for Abuse
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Taking a clue from mims:
The hubby was talking to his pregnant wife on bed.......
The twins were still inside the uterus of their mother.
They were all talking and wondering what each other was going to be when they grew up.
The first baby said, 'I want to be like Kevin Costner.'
The next said, 'I want to be a like Tom Cruise?
Suddenly the earlier one screamed:
Move away, here comes Yule Bryner
Edited By - Kulakottan - 14 May 2006 09:26:41 GMT |
Bonggo
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14 May 2006 10:17:53 GMT Report for Abuse
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All machangs and machinis,
Thanks a lot for all the lovely posts.
Lula and co., I have a huge collection of Sardarji jokes available to anyone if interested :) Some of them are redundant but very funny and people of all walks can enjoy them.
Hope our guys will bat it out for today and prya tomorrow thre will be heavy rain. |
tamilcanuck
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 14 May 2006 13:38:42 GMT Report for Abuse
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Edited By - tamilcanuck - 14 May 2006 13:39:12 GM |
Kulakottan
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14 May 2006 13:50:49 GMT Report for Abuse
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Tamilcanuck,
You can post the Tamilnet picture to celeberate the 'Mothers Day' -
Sri Lanka Style by the Proud Soldiers |
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